zondag 27 december 2015

Bye Bye Sri2

WHAT ABOUT ME? (+sort of summary of PART 1)
When i first heard about the sex testimonies i did not yet believe it (to the full extend). Still 'believing in'  Chinmoy. But after more reading and diving into the presented exdisciple experience reports, these do make up for a sincere, consistent and in the end very logical storyboard. Now i do see Chinmoy as a human being. Certainly not a perfect human who is above making any faults. Not as a total criminal either. But to a certain number (not all, i guess there must have been also women who liked being "advanced") direct victims of his 'divine' sexdrive his ways must "most certainly" (to put it in his manner of speaking) be characterised as adding to his criminal record.

Me i participated from early 94 (after attending an awe-inspiring lecture from The Enthusiastic Mr Aditya in the autumn of '93 and starting to prepare from there on) till end of '97. I did go for the path, especially in organising Peace Run ’95. Yes that was inspiring and exhausting! After it i went to Switserland for a year, working @ “The Secret of Perfection Flames”: a vegetarian factory producing bio tofu and burgers, delicious soyayoghurts and other health foods. The man in charge there was called Abarita (by Sri) which sounds like a magician's name. Looking back i still value this man. Of course he was not as high as our Sri in all aspects but most certainly not as low either i think! He paid good salaries, did what he could do and was very aspiring: adding value to the world with better foods. For a year working and living there was one interesting experience, but then it was enough! I did all i could do. Even performing some kind of miracle myself:
As a kid i loved soccer and practised performing holding high a soccerbal. Which i peaked at 110 or something like that around age 12. Easily i did this again and proceeded on a transcendencemission. After some months eventually i peaked at exactly 12.000 (nonstop!) after which the ball just fell dead. Me, at that very moment, had been walking around a reallife soccerfield for about 3 hours doing this. I took is as a miracle which was infused by my own aspiration. Now i see it as the fruit of aspiration and indeed some kind of guidance, although now i think Chinmoy was not directly involved in this!!

It was quite intense. First time i visited New York (of 3 times) was in 1994, when Haridas was on stage with these complicated  disobedience-songs-performance. Back then i liked that concept, i was quite fanatical… But i also went to the Bronx Zoo, operating on my own going through the city, like i was used to do (some called me "The Lonely Runner"). Ahaha: i was on top of the one of the original WTC towers. For me that was a nice contrast with the clear world of meditation on this particular path.

Acting as a sincere seeker i gained from this path. I was disciple for almost 4 years. In the beginning it was utterly inspiring with many 'new' concepts activated. Then sex popped up again which i dismissed once more  and then the manifestationtrap (working to manifest 'the conciousness of' Sri C.) enrolled. Straight into exhaustion. Usually this was followed up by more surrender. I did escape that one. When i returned to Holland in 1997 my discipleship bleeded to death. It did not fit me anymore, it was WISE TO LEAVE, i longed for a real girlfriend! Reading about these experiences i'm glad i trusted myself enough!! I obeyed and put the "trancendental picture" into some streaming water. Going back to vital life? Well vital means vital: it's an important aspect of being and indeed FEELING ALIVE!!

I feel while being a disciple i actually was addicted to the kind of meditation Sri was subscribing (on his photograph: ahaha nowadays i do this sometimes on a certain 'perfect' picture of myself). And in the end becoming increasingly unhappy with unvital sterile (onesided) meditationlife. Now i see why because this did not include much self-investigation either. It was rather unpersonal, now i see that perfectly fits into the  picture and also in the existing programming of many people in the movement who -like me- did not enjoy great parents (including very naive ones). After reading all these experiencereports i am very glad i did not enter into closer ranks...

After his path i got into a serious and very passionate relationship which was like living again! Going through my very own life of experiences, making faults and real grounded learning doing so. Later on 'leaving the path' i went full spectrum to the other side, including ending up in severe DRUG-ADDICTION. Guess my soul wanted to experience that too. I take it as an initiation: overcoming that i did not stop quitting addictions (like sugar, coffee, smoking: this time for good!). And i encountered natural medicins from tribes who live with nature. Those are more grounded spiritual practises including the body in a very direct way compared to Chinmoy with his 1000+ books and millions of birds. Those where nice though.

His path was tempting because there was real heartfulfilling beauty expressed. I and many others adored the paintings and songs. But then it was all about manifesting his way of expressing instead of persuing one's own more direct expressions. It was not forbidden to manifest your own ways but not encouraged either. Manifesting him was encouraged (in order to get marked as a good or excellent disciple and to 'earn' his spiritual name for you: those were given after following his path for quite some years) but not affirmed a lot: Chinmoy typically acting like a stern father, disciples surrendering their everything and becoming thus dependent on his approval...

I have to mention too: i also wrote some poetic expressions to please Sri. Passed 500 of them. And yes in another following volume of some kind of poetryplants/flowers or whatever, i saw one of mine: something with "jocund job" (did not save that, because i considered that 'too ego' at that time...). Now i agree with the view that when he is The Master (claiming all these manifestations for only his name is printed) he should not need those. Instead it is a joint verture which is falsely not acknowledged for. As a disciple the answer to this one was: yes (...), but it is his conciousness behind it. Well no: as he claims himself the conciousness of The Supreme is doing this! So how exactly the Guru interferes?? Think about that one!

Some serious reflection tells me that following a guru is a form of immature behavior. There is subtle pride involved too: to be among The Chosen. But Chinmoy believed and played his part too, he was no total fraud as many outsiders may think. Only he made (severe) mistakes too, as mistakes are part of human experience, necessary to be able to develop (becoming aware of certain outcomes of actions). Mistakes may become more severe when they are not acknowledged which was the case with him. I recognise this as i was also taught in earlier life not to make mistakes and therefore not straight looking into them which led to more extreme behavior till i changed my way of looking at mistakes.

Now i became my own guru! For nobody else can take responsibility for one's own life, that was another ‘spiritual’ lie from Chinmoy. But i do think he started out sincerily. He stated that The Supreme was always trancending itself. Well he didn’t apply that sincerily to his philosophy, that remained the same. Making trancendence not much more than a simple record race… 

Going my own way has provided me a lot of progress, allthough i went through a lot. Including stupidity and sometimes being a playball of forces. However all in all collecting precious personal experience in living through all these different ways!! Gradually developing clearer discriminationpower and i have to admit it: some more maturity! Step by step including setbacks. But even on the Chinmoy path it was like that, it´s how life works.

Chin's Path became boring. You were supposed to surrender all kinds of 'negative feelings' but i feel now this is wrong. Instead carefully examining these would be more spiritually evolved. Further i became fed up with manifesting only this very man. Like The Supreme was telling me It wanted to manifest in and through me in It's OWN way. Not in Chinmoy's same ways!

I like becoming my own guru, my own master, my own father, my very own best friend (Chimney was claiming that one too: that he was your ultimate friend ever...) my OWN AUTHORITY. Yes my ego is in charge, like it should! And by going through the constant process of reflection on action it becomes more and more illuminated. The (general) claim of enlightened guru's that they don't have no more human ego (just a purely 'divine ego': what a clever invention) is not unique to Chinmoy's small path (it was a lot broader than other existing spiritual paths: that also attracted me, but still not really encompassing life). Not anymore giving away my responsability but instead learning to claim and live it. Manifesting God in and through myself! Chinmoy has received enough attention from me!!

For me it helps to absorb knowledge from (different) others. This is activating things in myself. Not just following one man. Creating my own path. Just for me! By doing so i also can be of service to others.

For some time i threw away God together with Sri Chinmoy. I went back to a more primitive kind of personality. Restart, to be once again and for always on my own path of EVERPROCEEDING INSIGHT (is my leading principle). This includes and even truly demands using my own JUDGEMENT!

One of Chinmoy’s’ concepts that i liked at that time was INSPIRATION – ASPIRATION – REALISATION. Still stands but it is not enough for me nowadays. The final step should include (personal) EVALUATION. Which means aimed reflection at one´s deeds and also passivities. Deliberately looking back on a regular (daily) basis. Taking faults into account! So one can grow in conciousness and become a real better person. It includes working on a healthy EGO, maintaining the right balances in one´s own life. Also i don't support blind 'unconditional' surrender anymore but rather a more mature kind including openess and personal responsability.

Did Sri become better? You should judge that question yourself! I feel he became more demanding instead of more compassionate. To the outside world showing a different face.

Now i started to investigate myself on a more regular basis. The lectures of Eva Pierrakos are one thing which is helping me. If you digest THIS one, one can see that also Chinmoy could learn form this!!

Oh yeah and Chinmoy provoked me. Just (@ 2-1-2016: birthday of my own socalled father) did 8000 consecutive crunches (nonstop). Took me almost 1,5 hours. Performing half of them without hands behind the head which is more tough. Just to show it is not much of a miracle like he claimed: now on internet i do a little investigation and here are the SIT-UP-records (which is heavier than a crunch!). I possess a plaque which i bought in New York produced by disciples following orders of Chinboy which states "13.000 Consecutive Crunch Sit-Ups/ Saturday, 17 August 1996/ Aspiration-Ground" adding: "portrait of a miracle". It simply is not. It's possible and quite likely that Chinmoy did not directly ordain it like this. But he didn´t prevent (…) or stop this presentation either. 

Of course it's not bad for his age. On the other side: he was supported by devotees which gives surely extra energy! In Chinmoy-records on internet i find only this and this little song about it.